Approach with caution. 10+6

Just a short post today.  I'm still sick and therefore ferociously grumpy.  Gordon is having to do most of the housework and I can just about manage to cook a dinner.  The main cold is gone but I'm left with awful sinus, absolute exhaustion and a constant headache.  I'm off all the meds now with the exception of paracetamol. This, if nothing else, means that previously perfectly rational people aren't inexplicably judging me for taking medications prescribed by my GP.

I've also admitted that I have nausea.  That took 3 weeks to accept it wasn't my cold or constipation or the rare glass of wine or whatever.  Its awful crippling exhausting nausea, starting almost on the dot of 10 past 4 in the afternoon.  Its such that I dont actually vomit or wretch but I spend the whole evening on the verge of it.  Eating a bigger lunch and a smaller dinner has helped, as has NuxVom, the homoeopathic remedy.  Also, the Mammy recommended Soda Water which gives me big satisfying burps LOL!!

Isabella is surpassing herself with tantrums and general pain-in-the-ass-ness but I'm hoping that Gordon and I can knock that on the head in the next few days with a reward chart and the threat of Santa not coming etc.  December can be handy for that.

One very nice thing was my Friday afternoon.  I went to my friend Wendy's house with Isabella for a playdate with her son daniel  She always cheers me up without seemingly trying very hard?  Dont we all have one of those perfect mates, the never-judging, never hyper or over-dramatic,  never miserable or gloating friends??  Life never sucks or shines - it just ticks over nicely.  We can sit and whine and batter out issues and come away feeling like everything got sorted out without breaking anyones heart.  I'm very lucky to have a couple of those pals.  Its my December resolution to spend more time with those people.  Thanks Wendy.

The Technical Stuff
All was doing fine until yesterday when suddenly my insulin requirement seems to have dropped significantly.  I was on target all of yesterday until bedtime.  I was 4.7 and then hit 3.3 about 8 minutes later.  I inhaled toast and lucozade but still suffered another horrid 2.7 at 5am.  This woke Gordon as I was incoherent.  He didnt get back to sleep so ended up going to work at about 7am.  Feeling particularly guilty about that.  I then did a TBR of -20% leaving me at 10.2 this morning.  Argh. ARGH!! I was still so shattered that I went back to bed only to have another 2.7 at 1pm.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck now.  Back to the drawing board tonight with my diary and pen.  Eugenie - you might be doing numbers with me yet!!

Almost human. 10wks.

Sorry I've not been on in an age. I've been floored with a rotten rotten cold and have been more than miserable. I smelt for the first time in about 4 days, unfortunately it was one of the Bessies little parcels - ugh.  

SO, I finally got over the hump of my cold by taking the maximum dose of paracetamol (in tablet and Lemsip form), heaps of Olbas Oil, steaming my head and eventually gave in and took a Piriton (anti-histamine). Piriton makes me drowsy so I crawled into bed in the spare room at 10pm and slept for 12 straight hours. The difference the next morning was unreal. I felt almost alive! However, because I couldnt get any accurate information on decongestants in pregnancy and the risks involved and therefore didnt take one, I now have an ear infection. I'm at the GP tomorrow morning and will probably need antibiotics. That really REALLY infuriates me because i'm pretty sure that a course of AB's are a lot more dangerous than a couple of sudafed. I also know that AB's are going to destroy my diabetes control and I could really do with some luck in that area. I'm going to take another Piriton tonight and hopefully get over the hump of the chestyness I have now. Sleep is such a curative thing for me.

Nothing much really to report unfortunately - I'm really trying to hide my bump now but its not working.  Asking my friends, i think for the most part its because of my section.  My figure had mostly returned after Isabella but I never lost the little roll of fat under my bellybutton which is common after a CS.  That seems to have hugely swelled now and general bloatedness is making me look huge.  

I have an appointment on the 5th for my first trimester tests.  Here is the information if anyone is interested.  http://www.rcsiwomenshealth.com/Patients/Patient_Services_-_Obstetrics_/First_Trimester_Screening/index.asp   Its just a scan and a blood test and Gordon is coming with me so I'm not nervous or anything. Looking forward to getting another scan and seeing my bean. I'll be 11+4 then so I might tell everyone after I get the results of that. Mam and Dad are having a little Christmas on the 11th so I might tell Isabella before then and let her tell her little cousins.  I'd love to video telling her - she can be such a sweet little thing that I'd love to have it to show her sibling in years to come.

I dont think I've anything else to whinge about. Oh, despite explaining over and over to the Rotunda why I was going public this time and not private, I was still put on my ex-consultants team. I rang and asked to change but the thundering bitch on the other end of the phone told me that I had no choice now that I was public. 

I'm also a bit nervous cos I met a midwife from Holles Street National Maternity Hospital a few days ago (socially) and she spent a good 20 mins going on about how you are much more likely to have problems delivering if you are a public patient. You dont get the same level of care. I was stunned she would say that, regardless of it being true.

I've gotten all my appointments for my 20wk and 24wk scan and they'll be very thorough because of the high-riskness. I'm going to ask for some very detailed placental scans and growth scans as they can be good early indications of pre-eclampsia.  Although they still cant control or prevent PET, knowledge is power and after last time, I want to prepare myself as much as I can.

**Sniff, cough, splutter** 9+3

Ugh.  I have a cold.  And I'm going to wallow.  A LOT.
My nose is running.
-  If I dont sniff, my nose tickles and I sneeze.
-  If I sneeze, I feel sick and dizzy.
-  If I do sniff, I get a pain in my head.
-  If I blow my nose, I go dizzy and my head pounds for about 3 minutes.
-  If I dont blow, my nose runs.

And no, there is nothing I can take apart from paracetemol.  Paracetemol sucks.

I'm also taking silver and echinacea and vitamin C and ginseng and Nettle Tea as a decongestant but I think I'd actually sell my soul for a sudafed and some codiene.

Had an ok week.  Gordon was in Puerto Rico and Mammy was my saviour (whats new).  She came over on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night meaning I got full nights sleep.  I went to Ballsbridge on Thursday night with Isabella and Oisin came here to mind the Boo.  Mammy picked us up some Mousaka and Bread and Butter pudding and I ate my head off.  I also got a nice long lie-in.  That meant I got some vital housework done before a rotten nights sleep Friday and 3 hypos in a row on Saturday morning wiped me out again.  I'm reaching the real tip of the exhaustion scale now. I'm literally aching in my bones for sleep all the time.

I think cos Gordon was away and then Isabella got a rotten cold, I didnt sleep great at all.  He came home early on Sunday and I got a couple of extra hours sleep but I still feel drained.

Anyways - because of my cold, my sugars have gone nuts.  I had a 2.4 Hypo on Wednesday morning which wiped the floor with me.  I was shivering and shaking for the rest of the day and was just bloody miserable.  I was also high until bedtime which then gave me a sweet dose of cystitis.  Lovely.  I was out most of Thursday and managed fine but then battled a persistent high on Saturday, my pre-meal levels were all crap which is unusual for me.  I did a good bit of cooking and Mammy and I had a great meal on Saturday night while watching Paul (superb movie).  Post meal, I scoffed a heap of lovely fresh fruit, Mango Melon pineapple grapes and was rewarded with another huge hypo.  Argh - I give up.

Isabellas cough got particularly bad on Saturday night and she coughed all night and all day yesterday.  I was all set to bring her to A&E for an X-Ray today but she slept 11 hours last night and coughed maybe 3 times.  Not a bother on her this morning apart from a runny nose and a rotten mood.  Happy for her - unimpressed at my ability to fight off her germs tho!

The Technical Stuff
I got my results back from the hospital and although the nurse was pleased, I'm not really.  My Hba1c is 6.9% but she said that my hormones could have sent that high.  However, my fructosamine is 305 which she said is excellent and is a much better indicator of how my sugars are. I'm happy with that and am very glad that I'm not having another test for a few weeks.

Thursday November 17th.
Last Thursday was World Prematurity Day.  Its a poignant day for a lot of us as it gives us one day to remember and consider the prematurity of our little miracles without it overshadowing their birthday.   I started the day with a lovely fund-raising coffee morning in my pal Tracey's house.  Her daughter Sadhbh was born 12 days after Isabella at the same gestation and weight. They were "roomies" until Isabellas discharge aged 51 days and we've stayed in touch since.    Later on, we met up in the Pillar Room of the Rotunda at the launch of "Tiny Footprints", a record of the journey of 80 families whose babies were born prematurely. Tracey and I got cornered by the only NICU nurse we really didn't like.  The girls played happily together and Tracey and I stuffed our faces with tiny cupcakes and giggled like girls at the antics of our monsters.  It was lovely to see her and see all the other children there that had had the same difficult and unsure start in life.  Judging by the noise and mess level, there were few who hadnt come out of their NICU stays "unscathed".

Here are the two girls looking somewhat different from the first time they met.

4/5 isnt bad! 8+4

Woohhhoooo!!!

First appointment over and done with. And what a huge relief, you've no idea.

Mammy stayed over last night as Gordon is in Puerto Rico, lucky sod. I wasnt so much nervous about staying in the house on my own as I was about having a hypo in the house with just Isabella and Bessie to notice me lying on the ground unconscious. Also, my appointment this morning was at 8am so Mammy stayed over last night and brought Isabella to Montessori this morning. She then valiantly fought rush hour traffic to meet me there. Sitting in the waiting room (Ticket No 18), I sat beside two older Mams and immediately joined them in the weekly lambasting of the diabetologist. Woohhoooo! Immediate satisfaction. They were delighted that I was all geared up to put the bitch in her place. I spent a good hour in bed last night practising what I was going to say when she started on me. We all had a good fest of "she's not going to intimidate me" etc and were comparing baby weights and A1c results before long. Went for my bloods and weight, height BP etc, I was talking my head off I was so nervous but my BP thank goodness was only 130/70. Huge relief. The nurse asked if I wanted to see the "Baby Doctor" (no, I want to see the Obstetrician thanks) so said she'd put me on the list. 

I pottered off for a coffee, met Mammy and then queued up for Round 2. 

I was pretty quickly called into the Room of Doom (the Diabetologists interrogation cell) by a lovely if slightly fierce woman who told me she was the Registrar. She went through all my levels, naturally focussing in on the few highs. I explained all my Basal rates and how and why I raised my levels over the last few weeks. She had me explain my diary layout (which unlike the standard hospital one allows for me to record my carbs and any basal/bolus/ratio changes), declared it sufficient and clear and then told me that Dr Byrne wouldn't be happy with the two fasting 5.5's I had in the last 10 days. I was very calm but clear and said that I wasn't going to chase down a one-off, but if I saw a pattern of 5's or 6's, I'd happily raise my overnight basals. I also said I wasn't going to risk an unnecessary and possibly dangerous hypo to change my doses after one night and that as it was clear to her that I knew how to adjust my levels and doses according to DAFNE principals she was just going to have to leave me to it. 

 She started off the "you know how important it is to have good levels...." spiel but was quickly quieted when I said I was very clear about the risks - which was why I'd tried so hard to get my levels so stable in the first place. She had a flicker of a smile at that point. I also said that I didn't think any judgement could be made on my ability to manage my diabetes until my Fructosamine and HbA1c test results were in. She nodded, agreed and sent me on my way and said she'd see me in 4 weeks, unless I had any issues before then. FOUR WEEKS!!!!!!! I nearly fell off the chair at that point. I've just been told to go home and manage my diabetes myself, just to call in if I need help. Makes a *small* change from my last experience of "Go home and pack a bag, you havnt a clue what you doing so we're admitting you. We're going to try sort you out but your baby will probably die anyways". So I danced out of the room rejoicing with Mammy that I'd bascially just WON!! 

Within a couple of minutes I promptly called to see the Obstetrician. She was a lovely lovely woman who swiftly gave me a scan and confirmed my dates. YAY!!! Beanie is measuring by my dates now, a nice strong heartbeat, all good. Mammy got to see the heartbeat and she could even see it without her glasses LOL!! She went through all my medical history with a fine tooth comb, everything that happened last time and what I felt were the issues and what was missed. She wrote a long list of things she was going to do (check my Isabella file for test results etc) and ring Beaumont for something else. She wants me to have the triple test and a few other tests as I'm "older" but as these have to be done at 11wks, she'd be able to do them herself. 

She said I had a slightly increased chance of PET/HELLP this time but that she saw no immediate flags. She said if I expect an early delivery, I can only be happy with a 37wk delivery. I said that I really would prefer a planned CS rather than a failed induction and another traumatic emergency section. She said she saw no reason I wouldn't get that, especially as I want to get my tubes tied at the end of it. We laughed and chatted through the whole visit and she said that she was very pleased with my knowledge and preparedness and that she would look forward to seeing me in 2wks for my private testing.

So all in all - it was a much better visit than I could have possibly have hoped for. I've been so unbelievably stressed and upset about everything that its a bit strange to have won the first round.

I think I'll leave it a while for it all to sink in. LOL!

I took myself off into town and up to Lemon Crepes and Coffee and absolutely jammed my face with food and nice things. I picked up some Christmas presents and then sauntered home.

What a lovely day to be pregnant!

First appointment tomorrow 8+3

A quick post. Wide awake, major insomnia. First diabetic team appointment tomorrow and first ObGyn appointment afterwards. I have to ask them to
Leave me alone and let me manage my own diabetes.
Give me a scan
Give me Zanex
Give me a planned CS in 30wks.
Tie my tubes when all this is done.

How many out of 5 do you reckon??

D-Day. 7+6

Today was D-Day.  I rang the diabetes nurse in Beaumont yesterday and she was over the moon about my pregnancy.  I went through all my levels with her and she was really impressed and impressed on me that I was doing better than anyone else she'd heard of at my stage.  It gave me a big of a boost of confidence that was badly needed.

So, with Gordon by my side, I faced my first call.  The nurse on the other end was lovely - seemed impressed by my 6.9% A1c and made an appointment for me for next Tuesday 15th.  She called me back a couple of hours later and asked for the last 4 days of diabetes control.  I painstakingly went through all my levels, explaining about ratios and carbs and bolus' and basals.  She said she'd talk to the endocrinologist and get back to me.  I was dreading the call that told me to change this or that and was in a bit of a state.

While I was sitting feeling sorry for myself and heading straight into a major grump, my lovely friend Eugenie arrived at my door with and Ikea present and a request for carbs.  The visit hugely cheered me up so I got my shit together and me and  Isabella went into town to get me some maternity clothes.  I'm only 8wks tomorrow but jaysus, I've a belly on me. Trousers are NOT comfortable and I only had a couple of dresses.  New Look did me proud and I came home with two dresses, a top and leggings.  Sweet.

The best of the day was getting a call from that lovely nurse again.  She said that she'd spoken to the Endo and he was "delighted" with my levels.  He said I am to continue making my own adjustments and calculations.  They'll see me on Tuesday but its not urgent as I "clearly know what I'm doing". I did a bit of a dance on O'Connell Street - Isabella wasn't impressed.  LOL!!

So, yep, I won my first round.  I'm over the moon and feel like a huge weight has been lifted.  Its only 5 days until I have my first appointment so I have a chance to relax into knowing I'm doing ok.  This confidence is a new found feeling.  I'm a bit unsure still!

Frozen here! 7+5

Whats with the cold??  I'm FROZEN. My god, right to the bones. At night I'm going to bed with two layers on, pyjamas with cuffs so they dont ride up in the night, fleecy socks, our 13tog duvet, a light cotton quilty yoke AND the electric blanket on. Needless to say, I wake at 3am with the sweat pumping off me but I'm absolutely frozen most of the time. I'm sitting here now on the couch with a huge polyester satiny blanket on me, despite my jeans, tshirt, fleece, the heating on and the dog curled up on my shoulders. I had my winter coat on yesterday, along with a longsleeved wool cardigan, a tshirt and a string vest.  I'm normally a very warm person, what is going on?  Its not like everyone else is frozen, Gordon wanders around in a t-shirt and is fine.  I'm turning into an old dear, closing doors "in case of a draught!!"

Everything is good with me apart from the chattering teeth.  I seem to be a lot more relaxed since my scan.  I've emailed my GP and she's doing me up some letters for the hospital.  Tomorrow is the day!!  

I actually got very confident last Thursday and rang the Rotunda Diabetes team.  They ask for a letter from my GP, I said that would take a few days.  Then they said they'd ring me later that day with an appointment for my fasting blood tests and when I queried the point of this, she got terribly confused and said she'd call me back.  Still waiting.  Very odd.  

Mammy and Daddy are home from their holiday which is lovely.  We went over to theirs last night for dinner.  I cooked Spicy lambballs with a homemade tzatziki and chunky sweet potato chips and it was all yummy.    It was great fun with Isabella singing us songs and keeping us all entertained.  Bessie came with us and true to form, hurled all over my car on the journey there and again on the way back.  The only upside to her barfing all over my car is that I clean it up afterwards.  I really wish she was a bit better at car travel.

I'm getting very frustrated at these food restrictions that I'm supposed to adhere to.  For fucks sake, they really don't consider what us diabetics go through before a meal already without giving us a list of seemingly ridiculous things to avoid. Before every meal I have to count up the amount of carbs in my food, this involves weighing everything, getting out the application on my iPhone or checking the back of packets or jars, calculating the carbs in each individual portion, adding it all up, adjusting the dose depending on my current blood sugar level and the time of day.  Then and only then can I take my dose and eat my food.  It can get quite complicated and its been known to happen that Gordon is over half way through his dinner by the time I've worked it all out.  

If anyone thinks I could further legitimately destroy the joy of food by checking everything I eat off a list of stuff I'm not supposed to eat, they can piss off. I'm still happily enjoying a glass of wine or 2 a couple of times a week and I regularly have scrambled eggs and paté and peanuts and sushi and chorizo (not all at the same time) and I just dont think I could handle having to give all that up.  That said, I really miss inhaling a bottle of wine on a Friday evening with Cat and then falling into bed a bit pissed.  One or two glasses just isnt the same.  Unless its a REALLY nice wine!

I'm hoping Mam can come to my first appointment with me but I'm expecting them to be pissed cos I wont get there until after 9.  I'll have to drop Isabella off at Montessori and they don't start until 9.  Not sure what to do about that.  Hmm!

The Technical Stuff.

So far so good.  Getting good fasting BG's and post meal levels.  I seem to be quite high before my dinner is all.  Any snacking at all seems to send me through the roof and I've tested a few highs before dinner.  Gordon is away next week so I think I'll really concentrate on nailing those levels.  I've not had to increase my overnight basals in a while so I'm expecting them to need adjusting soon.  

A blob with a heartbeat. 7+3

Just a quick post. We had our scan at lunchtime and she very quickly found a blob within a blob. Only the one and it's in the right place. We're over the moon and have breathed a sigh of relief. The fear of the looming diabetic team appointment is still tangible but a little flickering blob makes it all worthwhile. 1/2" now!! Yay!

Relief and good news. 6+6

SO after all of yesterdays panics and anxiety, I've made some steps to sort stuff out. I had a long great chat with my GP.  I wont be getting the diabetologist as my Obstetrician - woohooo!  I will be assigned a high-risk consultant and team but it will be related to my "high-riskness" and not just my diabetes.  YAY!  This has meant that last night I slept a full whopping 8 hours, not a bother on me.  My anxiety is all gone, I cant verbalise any new fears and I'm handling all the expected ones. My GP has been in touch with the psychiatrist already for me and he is going to see me really soon into my appointments and will help me work through issues. I really liked this Dr last time (Dr Sheehan), he was direct, fair, honest and didn't speak to me like I was stupid.  Between him and the new Master in there, I'm feeling a lot more confident.

I'm a bit disappointed tho that Gordon will be away in South America from Monday 14th November until Sunday 20th.  It is assumed that I will be having my first appointment at some stage during this week.  Mam has said she'll come with me but I'm sad that Gordon will miss my first scan.  As a result, we've decided to have a private reassurance scan next Monday.  Its only costing €99 and its going to give peace of mind, check my dates and give Gordon a chance to be part of the first stages of this journey.  Very excited.

The Technical Stuff
All good still - I was 5.3 before dinner last night and after a very bold Chinese takeout, I managed to get a 5.8 afterwards.  I was over the moon.  6.1 going to bed but I'll need to, once again, raise my overnight basals as I was 7.2 upon waking.  Did a quick bolus and was down to 4.8 by the time I had my breakfast.

Weird tho - how are there carbohydrates in scrambled eggs and bacon??  I had a "carb free" morning and weirdly tested an 11.1 90 mins later.  I think my next carbfree morning will have to be foodfree too.  Ugh.  It was very very yummy tho!!

Anxiety. 6+5

An issue I thought I had licked about a year ago has started to raise its ugly head again.  I realised yesterday that one of the core reasons for my not sleeping was that my mind was racing with worry at night.  I used to take Valerian to help me sleep when my mind wouldn't relax but unfortunately I'm not able to take that now I'm pregnant.  The only thing that I can take is Rescue Remedy but its not touching me right now.

I never suffered panic attacks or anxiety until some real awfulness as a result of my wedding.  I managed to get on top of the panic attacks by withdrawing from the people and situations that exacerbated my anxiety and between counselling and medication (Valium - mmmmmm...) I managed to move on.  Unfortunately, I never managed to resolve the issues I had with the diabetes team in the Rotunda Maternity hospital and now that I'm pregnant again, those issues are raising their head. 

I wrote my GP yesterday detailing all my worries and concerns and am waiting for an email back.  I think one of my biggest concerns is that now I'm going public for this pregnancy (lack of funds being the only reason) I'll be assigned a high-risk consultant.  My specific worry is that the diabetic consultant will be assigned as my Obstetrician.  When pregnant with Isabella, this consultant repeatedly told me that my baby would either die or be born with major deformities.  My private consultant told me not to listen to her but did little else to calm my fears. I have since found out that this sort of threat is regularly bandied around and as a result, I really don't think that I could handle another pregnancy being told my baby  is going to die and that I'm irresponsible and an unfit mother at every visit.    

Last night I suffered my first full on panic attack about all this.  Gordon was absolutely brilliant and talked me calmly through all the issues and worries.  He didn't patronise me and understood that verbalising fears is not only the key to understanding them but perhaps realising that its not all that serious and insurmountable. 

Unfortunately, a long-standing support system in the shape of a forum group is now gone from me.  I'm disappointed but not surprised that I've heard nothing from the majority of my online friends since then.  I feel bitter that I spent years giving support to others in high-risk pregnancies and none of that support is reciprocated since I got my BFP.  

I'll get over it.  I just wish I didn't have to.

After my little meltdown, Gordon brought me out for dinner and a flick last night.  Cat babysat and we headed to Eddie Rockets (garlic fries and a chicken wrap, 8CHO) and then "In Time" in the movies.  It was a really good night!! We laughed our heads off discussing names and have added another name to our girls name list.  Its a name we're both very surprised at but we love it.  I went to bed at midnight after a mad frenzy of laundry action and not surprisingly tested a 3.2.  A big swig of lucozade and I was a very respectable 5.2 an hour later.  Sweet.

The Technical Stuff

All is good still.  My Eddie Rockets fest was fantastic - I tested 5.0 before I stuffed my face and a very nice 7.1 at the end of the movie.   My overnight levels are doing magic - setting me up for the day.  I was 5.2 going to bed and 5.1 at 8am - woohooo!!!!!!!!!  I've been going low before lunch so reduced my 10am-12noon basals but it just sent me high.  I also need to do another carb free morning, I'm just bloody starving and carbs are the only thing keeping me at all satiated at the moment.